In the Middle of the Night
by dayglo1
Summary: Grissom after "Alter Boys"


Title: In the Middle of the Night  
  
Summary: And I've been searching for something/ Taken out of my soul/ Something I would never lose/ Something somebody stole/ I don't know why I go walking at night/ But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore   
  
Spoilers: Post-ep to Alter Boys, so everything up to there is game.  
  
Author's Notes: This is a stand-alone. I know this story isn't really in keeping with the holiday spirit, but it's what sprang into my head. Hope you enjoy it anyway! The song The River of Dreams is by Billy Joel. ¡Feliz año nuevo!   
  
  
In the middle of the night   
I go walking in my sleep   
From the mountains of faith   
To a river so deep   
  
  
Grissom walked, stunned, from the prison to his car. He couldn't believe what had just occured. Like a zombie, he got into his car, but once in it, just sat there, unable to move, or think.  
  
  
I must be looking for something   
Something sacred I lost   
But the river is wide   
And it's too hard to cross   
  
  
He distantly heard his cell phone ringing, but it didn't register. Instead, all he saw over and over again was Ben, dying on the prison floor. He looked down at his hands, sure he could still see the blood on them. He'd been innocent. But he couldn't save him.  
  
  
And even though I know the river is wide   
I walk down every evening and I stand on the shore   
And try to cross to the opposite side   
So I can finally find out what I've been looking for   
  
  
Father Baker's words continually ring in his ears, "You still suffer like a Catholic. A light bulb goes out, other people fix it, get a new one. A light bulb goes out for the Catholic, he stands in the dark, goes, 'What did I do wrong?'" And his words in response sound like a hollow bell, fortelling his own doom, "That guilt's not in me anymore." As he again looks at his hands, he knows he was wrong. The guilt will always be in him.   
  
  
In the middle of the night   
I go walking in my sleep   
Through the valley of fear   
To a river so deep   
And I've been searching for something   
Taken out of my soul   
Something I would never lose   
Something somebody stole   
  
  
He couldn't save him. As the phrase repeats itself again and again, something else he said to Father Baker runs through his tired mind: "Some people might call it a career in futility". And for the first time in his life, he actually believed it, that this might really be a career in futility. He KNEW who did it and yet he couldn't save an innocent man.  
  
  
I don't know why I go walking at night   
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore   
  
  
He was so tired, he just wanted to stop, to give up. He was done now. He couldn't fight the futility anymore.  
  
  
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life   
Until I find what it is that I've been looking for   
  
  
Finally ready to start the car, he noticed his cell phone, the voice mail sign flashing. He wanted so badly to ignore it, but he couldn't. He'd been him for too long. It was Catherine.  
  
  
In the middle of the night   
I go walking in my sleep   
Through the jungle of doubt   
To a river so deep   
  
  
"Hey Gil, it's me. I saw on the news what happened. I was just calling to see how you're doing. Nick told me about what happened during case. Call me, or something, okay?" By the time her message was over, Grissom had reached the end of the parking lot. If he turned one way, it would lead to Catherine's house. Turn another, and it led to his house, and the alcohol waiting for him there.  
  
  
I know I'm searching for something   
Something so undefined   
That it can only be seen   
By the eyes of the blind   
In the middle of the night   
  
  
He looked at both directions again. The choice was his. But he was tired, and he didn't know where to go. He was lost. And suddenly, that revelation made the decision for him. He would go where he always went when he was lost.  
  
  
I'm not sure about a life after this   
God knows I've never been a spiritual man   
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river   
That runs to the promised land   
  
  
As he drove, Father's Baker's words sounded again, "You still suffer like a Catholic." Oddly enough, Father Baker wasn't the first person to tell him that.  
  
  
In the middle of the night   
I go walking in my sleep   
Through the desert of truth   
To the river so deep   
  
  
He turns into the familiar driveway. The house, was of course, dark.   
  
  
We all end in the ocean   
We all start in the streams   
We're all carried along   
By the river of dreams   
  
  
He knocked on the door, and waited for an answer. Completely unsurprised, Catherine opened the door and let him in.  
  
  
In the middle of the night  
  
  
Finis 


End file.
